LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
