Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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