I just saw a hot homeless man
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
