You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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