I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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