Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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