She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
