i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
where are my eyebrows?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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