you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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