I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
