she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
