my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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