just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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