Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
