Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
okay pat passed out under dana's car
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
