I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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