My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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