her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
