so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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