hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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