Someone shit on the floor
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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