my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
