dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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