Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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