i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
