what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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