Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
