Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
