She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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