I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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