I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
