So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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