I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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