i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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