Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I use my feet as sexual weapons
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
