getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
