He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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