my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
