I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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