I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
