He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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