I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
