I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
