Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Found your dick twin last night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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