Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
