...so i touched it.
Your dad touched me again.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
