Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize