so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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