Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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