Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
