He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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