If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize