today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
