It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
