Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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