i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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