just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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