I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Randomize
